does size matter?

[DISCLAIMER: the views of this post are completely my own; so, if you take offense, please kindly go fuck yourself. ]

ahh. the penis. as a heterosexual woman, i happen to like penis. i like penis very much; maybe not as much as a gay man, but almost just the same. there are so many slang terms for it, but i prefer saying dick, except when i’m pissed, then i shout with venom, ‘cock sucker’. so dick it shall be here on in.


1) Does size matter? the only correct answer is, “it depends”. there is no black and white; no hard, fast rules; just gray. size depends on the giver and the receiver; it depends on experience; it depends on modes of pleasure; there are many, many variables.

2) What is the average dick size? from my personal experience, dicks can range from (when fully erect):

a) extra small : less than 2.5 inches

b) small: 2.5 –  3.5 inches

c) medium (average): 3.5 – 5.5 inches

d) large: 5.5 – 7.5 inches

e) extra large: 7.5 inches and above

what is typically not mentioned, is dick thickness, the circumference. since i suck at math and radius/diameter shit, i will use household items:

a) extra small:  thickness of a wine cork

b) small: thickness of the cap to a half gallon of milk

c) medium (average): thickness of a prescription pills cap , or 11.5 fl.oz cap to Marie’s Yogurt Dressing, (hey, it’s what’s in my fridge.)

d) anything thicker than average is just fucking crazy thick, and i leave it at that. for instance, i’ve seen dicks as thick as the cap for a 28 oz. bottle of Hunts ketchup, the plastic bottle that you stand upside down. yeah. that’s pretty fucking thick.)

3) What if my dick is small? What do I do?

a) find a woman who has never been pregnant (like me), or has had very few partners (not like me). typically, you will have a snug fit in a small vagina. if you cannot find a small vagina, then the woman can get very deep penetration when she is on top. if she insists at being on her back, then make sure her knees are by her ears. this position will give excellent penetration too.

b) if your small dick size still presents a problem for you, then become very good at eating out. and i don’t mean restaurants. find the clitoris and make it your new bff. every woman is different, so you will have to perfect your technique through trial and error. but once you have perfected it, your dick size won’t matter because you will have taken the woman to the edge of utter ecstasy, and she will be begging you for more tongue lashings.

c) there is always the ass. i’m not into that, never been to that ball, but there are some women into it. just ask. the worst that can  happen, is that she says no.

4) What if my dick is really large? What do I do?

a) find a woman who has had a few vaginal births, or regularly sleeps with large men. you would be amazed at the information a woman will provide, if you simply ask politely and respectfully.

b) ask for head or a hand job, or both. with enthusiasm and proper lubrication, this can be just as satisfying.

Conclusion: to wrap this all up neatly, dick size doesn’t matter if you are confident in your skills at pleasuring a woman.


as a side bar: virginity.

i do have a bone to pick with women over the age of 21 who are always publicly announcing their virginity status to everyone. from me to you, “shut the fuck up!” no one cares. i have never been fucked in the ass, but do you hear me proclaiming it at the local Subway shop to Jared? no. because it’s no one’s business. you proclaim your virginity for one reason only: you have nothing else to offer a man. you are not special. you are not a gift to be unwrapped on your wedding night. you are not better than non-virgins. what you are is sexually ignorant and you open yourself up to being taken advantage of. so please do shut the fuck up abut your virginity because what i have found from personal experience, is that you ‘virgins’ do everything else: you take it up the ass, you suck dick, you sext and you flash your titties at Mardi Gras. so please, do us all a favour and keep the lips on your face as shut as the ones between your thighs!