mama’s broken heart & extreme ways

hey you. i’ve been late responding to this since i wanted to give it my full attention. i hear you. no one wants to talk about mental illness because it’s taboo. i suffer from mild situational depression. i’m on zoloft 25mg and xanax 0.5 mg. i call it situational because bad situations pushed me over the edge, but that i lived so long feeling alone, feeling every slight was an all out attack on me, feeling paranoid, feeling hyper-sensitive, feeling hyper-sexual, feeling hyper-superior; i have no idea where my depression ended and my true personality began.

i believe my depression is managed and will no longer present any issues for me since i also have a great therapist (of 2 years now). she is this ‘ghetto’ russian woman who i swear, spends 15 minutes talking about herself first before we actually get to me. i kid you not, but she is the perfect fit for me and has been a tremendous aid in my recovery.

here is a tiny snapshot of my life (which is why i call my depression situational): age 5 or 6, raped once by step father; age 14-15, attempted suicide by taking pills, my mother thought i had food poisoning; age 16, called police and told them i was going to shoot my mother and her violent drug-addicted boyfriend, the cops arrived in minutes as i was loading gun (of course i was kicked out of the house for that); senior yr of college, date raped by guy i really liked; 2 years after college, another suicide attempt, pills again, due to a break-up to a man i deeply loved; around 2006, fondled by male nurse, extreme homicidal thoughts that time, not suicidal; 2009, contemplated suicide due to another break-up but decided i didn’t want my body to be found bloated and rancid in a dive of a motel, so called it off; and finding out around 2010 that i am a product of rape.

yaye for me:) i can laugh about it now because it’s just me and the shit i had to experience to be the person i am now. maybe i am in denial about how serious my depression is but i don’t have those black vortex days anymore. i know the cause of every bad mood i have now and i can quickly turn it around. i have the tools. medication allows me to chemically balance myself, while the therapy allows me to logically analyze my behavior. i don’t go from 0 to 10 in 2 seconds (except when i’m driving). i have time to say, “does this situation require a 10? no. then go to a 3, and proceed from there.”

i can’t offer you any advice since we are chemically two unique creatures. i can say honestly that i am pissed that as fucked up as you are/were, that i am jealous that you found a man to truly love you. i have yet to find that. you are total bat-shit mental, i’m just intermittently mental, why can’t i find a man:) these are jokes, my main coping mechanism (it’s not me, it’s the crazy. i just love miranda lambert’s song, Mama’s broken heart:

anyway, i am intrigued that i never turned to alcohol or drugs. although sex was/is my vice, that part of me has mellowed out considerably, i mean, sure, i had a heavy petting session on a first date a few months ago, but i really liked him and i still do. my sexuality is something i am not willing to give up because society deems it distasteful. society can go fuck itself. if i want to suck dick, i’m going to suck dick. society can go suck its own dick.

ok. i think i’m getting off point:) what i want to say is that i understand everything you are going through. it’s an uphill battle and you can’t do it alone. so reach out. although i have a remarkable tendency of pushing people away from me who want to get close, you can reach out to me anytime. i don’t have any fucking answers, but i do have a couple of ears that work on occasion.

mental illness needs to be discussed as freely as breast cancer. we don’t choose to get breast cancer and so too, we don’t choose to develop mental illness. it needs to be treated not hidden (Moby’s song Extreme Ways best describes my former deep depression:

ps: i am so posting this comment, since it gives me 24 hours to relax from a grueling week of orientation:)

pps: you and i should go to vegas alone for a few days and just get fucking wasted. we would have so much fun. just saying.