how much for that child?

we all like to think there are things we would never do. that there would never be a price that could entice our compliance. i think otherwise. my boyfriend became my ex because he said he would rape a child for 10 million dollars. yes it was a hypothetical, but for me, he crossed the line. there are those things which i would not even fathom in my mind in exchange for money or other fulfilled desire. that my ex said he would, with such unapologetic ease, brought bile to the top of my throat. would i push a child off a cliff? hell yes. i have been to Walmart. but i would never commit such a vile act of rape against a child, or man or woman. in times of  slavery or the civil rights era, many reprehensible things were done to children and people for sport. i think if i were of such time, and i were of the ‘elite’ race, i would be the same person i am today. i swim against the current and tend to burn bridges with
reckless abandonment. what about world peace? no. i would not rape anyone for world peace. the world would just have to stay fucked. flip same coin. what would you give up to save a life from a fate worse than death? i like to think i could give up my life in exchange for a child never experiencing that type of horror. i like to think i would be noble when put to the test. i try to put myself in the minds of those at Penn State, Catholic church, etc. why did they keep silent? why did they choose self-preservation instead of swimming against the current? the only answer i have found is that they had a mental flaw. the flaw of not rocking the boat.
think about all of the times you have played along to get along. what is it in you that makes you yearn to belong, even in the face of moral upheaval? i ask because it will help me understand why i crave solitude, or why i place myself in the middle of, or very front of conflict. like Alice in Wonderland, i tumble down the rabbit hole of self-discovery. perhaps i seek like minds on my journey…