Updates from January, 2014 Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts

  • ContactRida 6:14 am on January 31, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: beauty, , dead inside, , evil, horror, , pleasure, torture   

    very much dead inside 

    i have those thoughts
    thoughts the average soul does not have
    thoughts dark and simple
    thoughts skewed by my past

    a past forever entwined with present
    but a future disconnected
    no thoughts venture there
    far too many walls erected

    thoughts linger on my conception
    wishing it had never been
    preferring blade to fetus
    than living with what is within

    progeny of a demon
    is the skin that covers me
    leaving half a soul void of light
    absent regret and conscience free

    such dark thoughts i secret
    they come and go with the breeze
    leave me feeling satiated
    i never resist they flow with ease

    what determines the border
    between that of horror and beauty
    what if the two are identical
    fulfilling desire so equally

    i share these thoughts with no one
    for who could understand
    that there is no turmoil
    when i travel to that forbidden land

    there is peace and rapture
    in that place of malevolence
    no fear no pain
    only the truth hangs in the balance

    truth that these dark thoughts
    which i harbor deep inside
    the truth that this darkness
    leaves me very much dead inside


  • ContactRida 5:05 am on January 30, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: apollonia, dirty award, nasty girl, sex shooter, , vanity 6   

    I'm a nasty girl shooting love in your direction 


    Thank you Matthew for shooting me this Dirty Award:
    You would be hard pressed finding a nastier girl.
    I would like to thank the 80’s for creating my unique brand of classy sexy…

  • ContactRida 8:45 am on January 29, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: choice, , Mr. Anderson, Mr. Smith, Neo, ocd, perfectionism, The Matrix, why do you persist   

    Atlas Shrugged 

    I spent roughly 8 hours trying to convert phone video then camera video to usable video for this blog. The fact that no one, well almost no one, even looks at this shit speaks volumes of my perfectionism and insanity. Surely I could have taken a one day holiday from posting. Surely (stop calling me Shirley). But I persist, like Neo from the Matrix. No matter what life brings me be it trivial or profound, if I believe in it, I persist.

    I will not be defeated by an upload. I will persist until my very last breath. I do recognize these are also stalker qualities, which I have been guilty of once or twice or moreish. But it is my indomitable spirit that pushes me to persist.

    I persist because I choose to… (well, that’s the story i’m going with right now:)

    • relationspdbeverly 12:23 pm on January 29, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      LOL! Hell, at least you know how to do it! I’m horrible at it. For one thing, I never know what we’re allowed to use at what is considered copyright infringement.

      • ContactRida 3:25 am on January 30, 2014 Permalink | Reply

        they say trial and error. i’m having a lot more error than trial:)

  • ContactRida 11:57 pm on January 28, 2014 Permalink | Reply

    Video Coming Soon… Again 

    Let’s all get in better shape for the new year and for the rest of our lives. It starts with one step. To participate, tag your post with 2014Challenge and include a link to this post, to generate a pingback and help others find our challenges.

    Enjoy and Share.

    Week 2 and footage is as choppy as my breathing. Next week, both will be better:) Push it Real Good…


  • ContactRida 11:58 pm on January 27, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , hands on, kinesthetic, learning styles, tactile, VARK   

    What’s your learning style? 

    Having difficulty learning something? It may not be you but your learning style that’s the issue. Find out what way you learn best at: http://www.vark-learn.com/english/page.asp?p=questionnaire

    I’m kinesthetic: http://studyingstyle.com/tactile-kinesthetic-learners.html

    I am in the rare 5% of learners who need hands on training; reading a book just won’t do. I agree with all of the attributes of my learning style except one: it suggests one of my career paths would be that of a mime. Granted I have a mime book:


    I know what you’re thinking, “Who has a framed picture of themselves?” This was during my acting days and learning mime was another technique to developing the craft. Shut up. I hear you laughing. Anyway, this was one of my assignments due today, 1/28/14, so I thought I’d share it with you to save me time. But as it turns out, I lost time searching for that damn Mime book. OK. I’m off to write my paper… in APA format:(

  • ContactRida 11:57 pm on January 26, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: awareness, child, , fact, fiction, , ,   

    "You don’t know because you don’t have kids." 

    “Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral, which always is as it is. There is the situation or the face, and here are my thoughts about it. Instead of making up stories, stay with the facts. For example, “I am ruined” is a story. It limits you and prevents you from taking effective action. “I have fifty cents left in my bank account” is a fact. Facing facts is always empowering. Be aware that what you think, to a large extent, creates the emotions you feel. See the link between your thinking and your emotions. Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them.” – Eckhart Tolle

    Borrowed from: http://whatsimica.wordpress.com/2014/01/24/quote-of-the-da/

    It has been brought to my attention that I don’t know what it is to be a mother because I don’t have any children. This is not the first time I’ve heard this but many. I had to wait several days to respond to this because I wanted to be sure where my words were coming from. And like clockwork, the answers were laid before me in such divine fashion.

    I saw the above quote on another blog and it resonated. I do not have children. That is a fact. That I would not know what it is like to be a mother: now that is a story. You don’t know what I know because you are not me. You do not know the capacity or depth of my mind, my heart or my soul. Only I and my creator know those things.

    I have vivid memories of my childhood. I remember watching from my grandma’s window, a random plane take off. Hot tears streamed down my face because my mother left me. She went on a vacation. I did not understand what a vacation was. I just wanted her to come back. When I was young, I loved her so much. I remember coming to her bed when I had a bad dream. She asked me what I wanted. I said I was scared and I wanted to sleep with her. She told me to go back to sleep in my own bed and close my door. I cried myself to sleep, alone.

    I loved my mother so much as a child. I wanted her to love me back but she never did. She couldn’t. She wouldn’t. She didn’t know how to. In spite of herself, she taught me how to be self-sufficient. She taught me how to be an island. Good or bad, she taught me so many things that make me what I am today.

    So it hurts deeply when I hear those sharp, biting, cruel words, “You don’t know because you don’t have kids.” I know what it is to have a mother. I know what a mother should not be and what she should be. I lived it. I still live it. You have no idea how deeply afraid and terrified I am of having a child. I know what type of mother I would be. I would want to completely absorb my child. I would breathe in the air she would breathe out. She would be my heart, my soul, my love, my life, my salvation.

    And this is why I do not have children. I can’t love someone that much and not have the love returned to me how I need it returned. The very thought that I could say or do something hateful or hurtful to my child that she would forever remember, cuts through me. I know where I come from and what I am capable of. I have my demons. Even if there is a 1% chance I would damage my child, that is a risk I am not willing to take.

    Perhaps I take parenting too seriously. Perhaps too many don’t take it seriously enough. There are too many variables in the world to be conclusive. But I do know what being a mother is without having children. What I don’t know is the reasoning or thought behind saying, “You don’t know because you don’t have kids.” Why use such divisive words? Why minimalize another’s life experience?

    I don’t know what the universe has planned for me. Perhaps there is a purpose for me being without child. Perhaps there is a purpose for me being strong, self-sufficient and nomadic. That is the story that has yet to be told. But the only fact you know about me is that I do not have a child. Anything else is presumption, based on your own experiences, thoughts and emotions. Be aware of where your words come from. Be aware.

    • relationspdbeverly 8:15 pm on January 27, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      I hate that comment: You don’t have kids. Look at those women that attempted to perform exorcisms on their kids last week. Not every parent should be one.

      But that’s not to say that you won’t be a great mother.

  • ContactRida 11:57 pm on January 25, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: ingredients, , perfect life, perfection   

    10 ingredients for the perfect life 

    Step One
    1) one cup of kindness
    2) one cup of patience
    3) one cup of loyalty
    4) one cup of perseverance
    5) three cups of curiosity & adventure
    6) three cups of humility
    7) two cups of empathy & sympathy
    8) two cups of ambition
    9) four cups of unconditional love
    10) 64 ounces of acceptance & tolerance

    Step Two
    mix all ingredients together well until happiness is as natural as breathing

    Step Three
    then share with others

    Step Four
    repeat Step Three for a lifetime


  • ContactRida 8:52 am on January 24, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , lyrics, shy gemini, songs   

    Moon and Sun 

    Work in Progress song inspired by The Adventures of the Shy Gemini: http://shygemini.wordpress.com/2014/01/21/behind-the-song-navigator-aviator-sneak-peak/

    i’ve been traveling round and round
    been looking for what can’t be found
    i don’t really know where i belong

    life keeps taking pound for pound
    and i can’t find that stable ground
    i don’t really know where i’ve gone wrong

    i meet you, i’m spun around
    i once was lost but now i’m found
    i know with you i am finally strong

    bum bum dah ump
    bum bum dah ump
    bum bum dah ump baah dum dah dah ump

    bum bum dah ump
    bum bum dah ump
    bum bum dah ump baah dum dah dah ump

    you keep me from falling down
    no longer feeling like i’m drowin’
    for in your loving arms i do belong

    all my walls you’ve broken down
    it’ so safe to play the clown
    how did you know i was the one

    i’ll be your queen and wear your crown
    once so lost but now i’m found
    ’cause you put in my heart an eternal song

    bum bum dah ump
    bum bum dah ump
    bum bum dah ump baah dum dah dah ump

    bum bum dah ump
    bum bum dah ump
    bum bum dah ump baah dum dah dah ump

    with you i know i’m safe and sound
    have no need to look around
    for you cannot compare to anyone

    my loneliness forever gone
    you and me, we can’t go wrong
    being with you babe, i am someone

    hold me baby til the dawn
    we’ll be together all life long
    for you are my moon and my sun

    bum bum dah ump
    bum bum dah ump
    bum bum dah ump baah dum dah dah ump

    bum bum dah ump
    bum bum dah ump
    bum bum dah ump baah dum dah dah ump

    • raehering 3:05 pm on January 24, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      I love this, Rida! I’m so humbled that my work inspired your beautiful creativity – that’s the goal!

  • ContactRida 11:20 am on January 23, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: doubles, empty tank, night shift, , , sleep deprivation   

    sleep deprivation 


    I worked a double tonight. Someone called out sick. I could have said no but I love a challenge and this job is truly challenging me. But these doubles are taking their toll. I have most of the adverse effects of sleep deprivation, on top of my regular, natural anxiety if anxiety can be regular and natural. And I am fighting my natural urge of not being a people person (meaning I typically hate people, prefer cats and dogs), so that creates even more stress. So many times I want to strangle people at work, at the gas station, in the grocery store, in my building. I guess I have a very low threshold for strangling. They say knowing there’s a problem is half the battle. Yeah, whatever.

    So after I made my third error at work in the past 5 weeks, I will now be on just evening shift and no more overnights. I can’t help but wonder if my subconscious planned this. I never wanted to work overnights, I was just being flexible. Gifts sometimes come disguised as something negative. Hopefully, I will be able to keep my 32 hours and keep my benefits, although I have yet to use them. When I had no health insurance, I had to go to those minute clinics and pay through the nose. Now I have insurance, I don’t even use it! I should probably try to schedule some emergency doctor appointments this weekend, just in case I lose it next week. “I’m insured doc, so run every test you can!”

    OK. 11:17am. Time to try to get 2 hours of sleep before I have to get up and go to work.


    • Anonymous 2:36 pm on February 13, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Good post. I’ve had problems for coming up to the 8th year now. Strangely, I am creative early in the morning when I wake up and can’t sleep anymore. 2 or 3 hours but my brain’s on overtime. I saw doctors, dropped pills and, at the end of the day (no pun intended) I’m better off sleeping less…

    • relationspdbeverly 3:48 pm on February 8, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Talk about sleep deprivation! To that, I can definitely relate! I think I’ve been sleep deprived since I’ve been an adult. I won’t tell you how long that’s been. And all of the digital apparatus around these days doesn’t help. Make sure you get room-darkening draperies, turn the alarm clock away from you or cover it, do the same for the DVR, phone charger or anything with a light on it. And ease up on the coffee or drink decaf.

      I feel tired just reading your post…

      Get some sleep!

  • ContactRida 4:29 am on January 22, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: consequences, crap shoot, dad, foundation, , mommy guilt, moral, , parenting skills, responsibility, SAHM   

    The #1 Most Important Job in the World 

    this post is in response to: http://tdawneightyone.wordpress.com/2014/01/21/mommy-guilt-oh-i-thought-jacking-up-my-body-and-sanity-was-enough-silly-me/ i will be the asshole and call bullshit on this post. i am so sick of seeing those obnoxious bumper stickers that proclaim. “my child is on the honor roll” or something else equally lame. parents swell up with pride when their child does something great and wonderful, Youtube & FB is full of that shit. but let their child do something wrong, and then we hear, “oh parenting is a crap shoot.”


    being a parent is not a crap shoot. it’s a responsibility, one not to be taken lightly. songs, swearing and clothing won’t send your child down the wrong path but being too lenient, wanting to be best friends or being a drill sergeant will hurry them down that road. i want to stab a person every time i hear, “oh you don’t have kids?” as if squirting out pups somehow makes you holier, smarter and in tune with the secrets of the universe. OctoMom, enough said.


    children are a product of their parents. period. end of story. i have seen too much of what goes on behind closed doors to know the apple never falls far from the tree. being a parent is a very heavy responsibility. Mom & Dad are equally responsible. they need to teach their offspring the difference between right and wrong. they need to also understand that their kids have eyes and ears, they see what’s going on between mom and dad and they internalize it, good and bad. so if you are doing what’s right and giving your kids a firm moral foundation, then there should be no guilt, ever. being a Mom or Dad isn’t the hardest job in the world. it is the MOST important job in the world.


    • Ye Pirate 10:10 am on February 26, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Lovely last words, that you include ‘Dad’, most don’t.

    • T. Dawn 9:43 am on January 22, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      I shared this on my FB page. You really got me thinking about Mom guilt vs. accepting responsibility for our actions, how the two are related and how they are different monsters all together. Here is the link to my page if you care to follow along…if anyone responds anyway!

      • ContactRida 10:51 am on January 23, 2014 Permalink | Reply

        thanks so much. i was worried you would take it the wrong way. at the end of the day, if you raise your kids to respect themselves and question things that don’t quite feel right, then you’ve done your job as a parent. i just get so angry when i keep hearing over and over again about teen boys raping passed out drunk girls. who’s raising these boys that they think it’s not only ok to rape, but ok to film it and laugh about it. it’s crazy. and most of those parents blame the girl. wtf?!? so that is where i was coming from. when i was a teen and saw a passed out guy, i didn’t think, ‘oh let me take advantage and rape him’. so parents have a lot of work to do instilling in their kids a moral foundation, but how can they when dad goes to strip clubs every friday night with the boys. it’s all connected. kids learn from what they see going on at home. ok, i worked a double and have to go back in at 2:45pm, so i will try to sleep for 2 hours:)

  • ContactRida 11:58 pm on January 21, 2014 Permalink | Reply

    New WP Weekly Challenge – Push it Real Good 

    Let’s all get in better shape for the new year and for the rest of our lives. It starts with one step. To participate, tag your post with 2014Challenge and include a link to this post, to generate a pingback and help others find our challenges.

    Enjoy and Share.

  • ContactRida 11:57 pm on January 20, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: bile, muscle memory, , , sympathy vomit   

    sympathy vomit 

    The patient begins with heaving, his shoulders reaching for his ears, his body doubling over. His eyes become glassy, his skin pale and then the horrid retching. Not projectile but jerky and percolating through the large gaps in his teeth. I try to keep calm and place towels under his chin but i could not sync my movements with his retches and end up with his warm stomach contents all over my ungloved hands. And that’s when it began. My brain told my stomach it was being effected too. Excessive saliva quickly filled my mouth and I was helpless to my evolution. I could only hold up one finger to the patient to signal I would be right back. The second I turned my back to the patient, it happened. I threw up in my mouth. I had no choice. I had to swallow. I don’t know what was worse: having my own unnecessary vomit in my mouth or swallowing my own sympathy vomit? All of this happened within one minute. One minute! Patient was safe and aspiration free, but I was psychologically traumatized by my own body. I have created muscle memory for vomit. I now work in fear of the next puking patient.


  • ContactRida 11:57 pm on January 19, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: acceptance, , mirror, unconditional love   

    i love you 

    i love the way you look at me sometimes as if i have no flaws
    i love the times you give in to me, times when you should pause
    i love your relentless drive and your constant perseverance
    i love how you throw caution to the wind and take so many chances

    i love that you doubt yourself yet keep seeking your true north
    i love your eternal optimism, how i wish i knew its source
    i love your curiosity and your quest to keep growing
    i love how you follow the wind no matter what direction it’s blowing

    i love your tender heart and your strength, you keep me safe
    i love how you anchor me when i feel out of place
    i love that i can count on you when all others have failed
    i love how you need no map, you blaze your own trails

    when i need you the most, i know you are not far
    i look into the mirror and say, “there you are.”


    what do you love about yourself?

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