afraid to fall asleep

urban legend has it that if you plummet to your death in a dream that you will die in your sleep. untrue. i have plummeted many times in my dreams and landed with horrific thuds ripping me from slumber with my heart in my throat, and my sheets and bed clothes drenched in panic sweat. it was not until someone told me that those falls were my astral spirit traveling too far from my body. once i heard this, the falls stopped. it was if i happened upon the secret my subconscious was keeping and it was no fun anymore for my spirit to take those uncharted journeys.

i had three dreams in which i drowned in my car. i was convinced every time i traveled over a bridge, i would die. last winter, when i worked a late night shift, the snow had just started falling and the highways were not treated. trying to exit, my front tire caught the reflective solid white line and my car went into a series of uncontrolled 360 degree spins. time slowed down, i felt like i was floating. i let go of the wheel, closed my eyes and knew the snow all around me was the same as being swallowed by water. there was a peace, acceptance in knowing i was going to die. but the car came to an almost perfect stop against the cement divider. very little damage to the car and i was fine, minus being sore in the morning. i never had another drowning dream.

when i was a child, i walked in my sleep. one time i remember dreaming i was eating a peanut butter sandwich. i woke up and i was laying across the bed with my head over the edge finishing a peanut butter sandwich. as an adult the walking has ceased, but i have had dreams where someone was choking me or ripping at my flesh only to awake gasping for air or relief to find my own hands inflicting the evil deeds. i can never take ambien because i am convinced i would awaken covered in blood not knowing who i slaughtered in my sleep.

i have never been murdered in my dreams. i have been pursued by monsters and awaken terrified. but this is curious. when i dream i am killing someone or i have savagely murdered someone, i wake up happy and refreshed. the bloodier the death, the happier i awaken. curious indeed.

i’m off to bed now. sleep tight, don’t let the evil spirits bite…


i have about 12 years left…