Dain Bramage

Hey. Yeah it’s me. We seem to keep missing each other. I know you are terribly busy making over a trillion connections a second but if I could have your ear… ha…funny. Our ear. Anyway, it has come to my attention that you and I are not on the same page on a few things. No. No. I am not criticizing you. You are magnificent on most days- Ok. Wait, stop. Yes, I do know you process billions, sorry, trillions of bits of data in a nanosecond.

You are the most efficient machine, most efficient organic miracle of a machine which all of the stars in the heavens cannot begin to rival. Yes, you’re welcome. All I’m saying is that… that sometimes… wait. Here’s an example of how awesome you are. I love it when I go to the grocery store and pick up orange juice for no apparent reason and 24 hours later I feel a cold coming on. I know. I know. You knew before I did that a cold was coming. Incredible. And I love how I think I’m lost sometimes and I turn left or right for no good reason and I end up where I’m supposed to be. Yeah. I always knew that business about a bit of magnetic North in our nose was urban legend. You have a photographic memory unknown to me and sometimes I accidentally tap into it.

Wish I could tap into it all of the time but that’s another conversation. Again, I’m sorry, I’ll get to the point. Uh… I’ve noticed, and stop me if I’m wrong, but I’ve noticed that you are perhaps off-sync with some of my bodily functions. Yes… those. Funny you should say that. Yes, shit does indeed happen. But does it have to happen as soon as I finish taking a shower? The warm water? Umm…but you do it when I’m about to leave the house and I’m all dressed and running late. When have I ever shit myself? Ok! Ok! Ok! When have I ever shit myself in the car? Fine! When have I ever shit myself in the car as a full grown adult? Never. Thank you.

All I’m saying is that you’re off-sync and not just with the pooh business. My point is my period, my menses. I am aware I am getting older and I’m sorta now on a 56 day cycle instead of 28, but this isn’t the first time my girlfriend has visited at suspect times. Like now for example. What’s wrong with now? Now doesn’t work for me now! I still have one more final to go. See that’s just it. I don’t KNOW that I will do great. Perhaps you are privy to all of the secrets of the universe, but I don’t know- Funny. Yes. I was about to say shit. Yes I see where I get my humor from… anyway, I’m still really stressed and this bloody, yes, haha, this bloody business could have waited until after that last final. Stop saying that! I don’t know I will pass.

You know what? How come when I was at Target 3 days ago, you didn’t bother to tell me to get toilet paper? You knew I was out of it and you knew you were sending a period my way. Where was the head’s up on that one? Lead a horse to water? So, let me get this straight… when you sent me down that aisle I was supposed to know to buy it? You know I only buy Cottonelle and only when it’s on sale, and it wasn’t on sale 3 days ago. Ok. First I’m a horse, now I’m a stubborn mule, thank you, nice. Could I at least evolve into a creature with opposable thumbs please. No. Perhaps you are the funnier one.

Ok. Riddle me this Joker. Could you please tell me why instead of waking me up to pee, you give me dream after dream that I am peeing? But that’s just it! I don’t wake up because I think I’m already awake and peeing! Do you not see the insaneness of it all? The dream cannot be the wake up! One time you had me pressing on my bladder in the dream to pee but I was actually in real life pressing on my bladder and I did wet myself. Yes I woke up! I woke up because I just pissed myself!

You know what? I can see you are not taking me seriously and yes I am pissed off, haha, you made another funny. I’m not laughing though. This was a bad idea. Yes. Yes it was. Please. Please. Make a mental- Yes mental. Make a mental note of what I am doing and when I am doing it. Please process the data and extrapolate whether or not it would be a good idea for that particular bodily function to occur at that particular time. I am sure in all of your infinite wisdom, you will make the appropriate choice. Agreed? Nice. Gas. I will take that as a yes.


photo credit: http://www.revolutionmyspace.com/image-code-1/fight_club