Updates from July, 2014 Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts

  • ContactRida 4:49 pm on July 23, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags:   

    Too Sexy 

    “Superior? Really?” Melissa thought as she marveled at the dented and peeling laminate table top complete with over-sized dime store candle. She believed she had hit rock-bottom with the ‘Trav-is-New’ Jesus freak who brought his bible on their first date, “I believe all answers to our problems are in the Good Book.” She wished for the rapture for that ‘Trav-is-sty’. But ‘Brad-to-the-Bone’ took the cake, “I have a B.O.G.O. free coupon on entrees! Let’s go Dutch on Sum Dim-Dim!” “More like Sad-to-the-Bone,” she lamented to herself as she deleted her online profile while Brad brandished his coupon between his chopsticks.

    chopsticks

    photo credit: Marie Gail Stratford

     
    • Michael B. Fishman 2:27 pm on July 28, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Fun story. I hope it’s not too autobiographical but I have a funny feeling that it is.

    • patriciaruthsusan 7:14 am on July 27, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Rida, That was hilarious. 🙂 I liked the part where she was removing her profile from online dating during the date. Looks like she felt immediate action was needed to prevent this happening again. I don’t blame her. I could see him with those chopsticks. Funny and well written. 🙂 —Susan

    • rochellewisoff 4:45 am on July 26, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Dear CR,

      A little bit of modern day Dorothy Parker going on. Reminded me of her piece “The Waltz.” Probably was a good idea to take down her online profile.

      Nicely played.

      Shalom,

      Rochelle

    • Snow's Fissures and Fractures 7:21 am on July 25, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Such a funny story, had a blast reading it!

    • MrBinks 4:38 am on July 25, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      This reads so quickly. Really liked it.

    • aliciajamtaas 12:35 pm on July 24, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Great word play with the names. Kudos.

      • ContactRida 12:40 pm on July 24, 2014 Permalink | Reply

        thank you thank you. i got the dim sum pun from a Jet Li movie, well, i made my own pun. in the movie, a guy said to Jet Li, “Dim sum you win, dim sum you lose.” of course Jet Li then proceeded to kick his @$$:)

    • wmqcolby 11:33 am on July 24, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Too cool! Creatively so, too.
      Applause all around! Five fortune cookie story!

    • Melanie 10:12 am on July 24, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Go dutch…ha! Let me guess, she got the buy one and he got the get one. Dating can be so irritating.

    • draliman 4:14 am on July 24, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Not having much luck with the online dating scene, poor woman!
      I loved the line “brandished his coupon between his chopsticks” – I can see him in my head doing just that with a triumphant grin on his face.

      • ContactRida 12:27 pm on July 24, 2014 Permalink | Reply

        hahaha! no luck unless you count the bad luck:) thanks for enjoying a slice of fact mixed with fiction:) those are the best and easiest tales to share:)

    • dmmacilroy 2:57 am on July 24, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Dear CR,

      An uniquely imaginative take on the prompt. Another one bites the dust. Evolution at its best.

      Aloha,

      Doug

    • The Writer's Village 9:44 pm on July 23, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Great, tight story. Funny. Liked the great observation of the “dented and peeling laminate table top” and the dialogue, the sarcasm, and the pace of your writing. Randy

      • ContactRida 12:19 pm on July 24, 2014 Permalink | Reply

        thank you for your insightful compliments Randy:) now i feel bad when i just ‘Like’ a post:)

    • Gunn's Cabin Fever 5:46 pm on July 23, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Really juicy writing full of flavours! I think the way you take the reader through the date is wonderful. Great writing.

      • ContactRida 12:16 pm on July 24, 2014 Permalink | Reply

        thank you very much:) my dates are always memorable, one way or the other:)

    • camgal 5:24 pm on July 23, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      ROTFL!! Trav-i-sty indeed 🙂 Hilariously done.

  • ContactRida 3:57 am on April 30, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Brad Pitt, brain damage, Fight Club, , , Pixies   

    Dain Bramage 

    Hey. Yeah it’s me. We seem to keep missing each other. I know you are terribly busy making over a trillion connections a second but if I could have your ear… ha…funny. Our ear. Anyway, it has come to my attention that you and I are not on the same page on a few things. No. No. I am not criticizing you. You are magnificent on most days- Ok. Wait, stop. Yes, I do know you process billions, sorry, trillions of bits of data in a nanosecond.

    You are the most efficient machine, most efficient organic miracle of a machine which all of the stars in the heavens cannot begin to rival. Yes, you’re welcome. All I’m saying is that… that sometimes… wait. Here’s an example of how awesome you are. I love it when I go to the grocery store and pick up orange juice for no apparent reason and 24 hours later I feel a cold coming on. I know. I know. You knew before I did that a cold was coming. Incredible. And I love how I think I’m lost sometimes and I turn left or right for no good reason and I end up where I’m supposed to be. Yeah. I always knew that business about a bit of magnetic North in our nose was urban legend. You have a photographic memory unknown to me and sometimes I accidentally tap into it.

    Wish I could tap into it all of the time but that’s another conversation. Again, I’m sorry, I’ll get to the point. Uh… I’ve noticed, and stop me if I’m wrong, but I’ve noticed that you are perhaps off-sync with some of my bodily functions. Yes… those. Funny you should say that. Yes, shit does indeed happen. But does it have to happen as soon as I finish taking a shower? The warm water? Umm…but you do it when I’m about to leave the house and I’m all dressed and running late. When have I ever shit myself? Ok! Ok! Ok! When have I ever shit myself in the car? Fine! When have I ever shit myself in the car as a full grown adult? Never. Thank you.

    All I’m saying is that you’re off-sync and not just with the pooh business. My point is my period, my menses. I am aware I am getting older and I’m sorta now on a 56 day cycle instead of 28, but this isn’t the first time my girlfriend has visited at suspect times. Like now for example. What’s wrong with now? Now doesn’t work for me now! I still have one more final to go. See that’s just it. I don’t KNOW that I will do great. Perhaps you are privy to all of the secrets of the universe, but I don’t know- Funny. Yes. I was about to say shit. Yes I see where I get my humor from… anyway, I’m still really stressed and this bloody, yes, haha, this bloody business could have waited until after that last final. Stop saying that! I don’t know I will pass.

    You know what? How come when I was at Target 3 days ago, you didn’t bother to tell me to get toilet paper? You knew I was out of it and you knew you were sending a period my way. Where was the head’s up on that one? Lead a horse to water? So, let me get this straight… when you sent me down that aisle I was supposed to know to buy it? You know I only buy Cottonelle and only when it’s on sale, and it wasn’t on sale 3 days ago. Ok. First I’m a horse, now I’m a stubborn mule, thank you, nice. Could I at least evolve into a creature with opposable thumbs please. No. Perhaps you are the funnier one.

    Ok. Riddle me this Joker. Could you please tell me why instead of waking me up to pee, you give me dream after dream that I am peeing? But that’s just it! I don’t wake up because I think I’m already awake and peeing! Do you not see the insaneness of it all? The dream cannot be the wake up! One time you had me pressing on my bladder in the dream to pee but I was actually in real life pressing on my bladder and I did wet myself. Yes I woke up! I woke up because I just pissed myself!

    You know what? I can see you are not taking me seriously and yes I am pissed off, haha, you made another funny. I’m not laughing though. This was a bad idea. Yes. Yes it was. Please. Please. Make a mental- Yes mental. Make a mental note of what I am doing and when I am doing it. Please process the data and extrapolate whether or not it would be a good idea for that particular bodily function to occur at that particular time. I am sure in all of your infinite wisdom, you will make the appropriate choice. Agreed? Nice. Gas. I will take that as a yes.

    FightClub

    photo credit: http://www.revolutionmyspace.com/image-code-1/fight_club

     
  • ContactRida 8:05 am on April 2, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: crunch time, , panic, stressed out   

    4 more weeks of… 

    I have four more weeks of class, or at least, I hope I have only four. As I have written previously, my academic fate dangles in the balance. I may have to repeat that class this summer. So, thinking of that just made me sleepy. So I slept for most of Tuesday. No. I wasn’t depressed. I just wanted my body to experience unapologetic rest before the shit-storm of:
    no sleep,
    attempted daily studying,
    some writing,
    non-stop double shift working every weekend,
    one day of teaching students,
    waiting for my GM car to blow up since the engine light is always on now, did I mention I just took it to the dealership to have the ‘check engine light’ problem repaired,
    and continue my diet,
    do my taxes,
    correction, start my taxes,
    and stretch my back on my yoga ball because I think I’m getting a hunch back from leaning over my patients’ beds,
    plus deal with my mother who said she wanted to move, which means I will have to finance that,
    and text with this guy I’ve known for over three years, whom I’ve never kissed or held hands with, but I would like to marry some day,
    but ok with the idea of being forever single since I unofficially married myself to me a day ago,
    since I will never leave me,
    and will always provide for me
    and keep me safe,
    and love me unconditionally.

    So. You can see why I slept all day Tuesday:)
    Time_Running_Out
    photo credit: http://www1.free-clipart.net/gallery2/clipart/Business/Cartoons/Time_Running_Out.jpg

     
    • Dawn 7:58 pm on April 2, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Hang in there girl. All this craziness WILL eventually end. Take naps every chance you get, drink wine every chance you get and don’t let the stress get the best of you! …keep me posted on this guy…I want to know more 🙂

      • ContactRida 2:07 am on April 4, 2014 Permalink | Reply

        Hey lovely lady! I”ve been thinking of you lately. nothing serious, just wondering how life is with you. tick tock for me. i really don’t want to repeat this class but see it as an opportunity to be better, but really don’t want it to happen. how are your little ones? i keep getting asked at work if i have any kids. um no. “oh don’t worry, you have time.” i just let those statements go and say ‘yeah’. weird. people keep trying to put babies in me. this guy, Andrew, whom i have known for over 3 years, is an anomaly, but very interesting. i invited him to vegas, so we shall see. your invite is still open as well:)

        • Dawn 5:16 pm on April 5, 2014 Permalink | Reply

          Yeah that whole strangers putting babies in you is just kind of odd. Why do people say that, “you still have time”. …as if it never occurred to people that maybe you don’t even want kids. Not saying you don’t but, ya know?

          Anywaaaaaay. Kids are good but challenging daily. The little guy is testing me lately…my sister says I have the patience of a saint because his non-stop demands for what-the-hell ever are relentless. The four yr old is about to turn in to a five year old and proves she is way too mature for her age daily. It’s literately mind blowing. I’m good I suppose. I’m not writing like I used to but I’m ok with it I suppose. It’s frustrating but I think I just went so full board in that I burned out a little. It’s ok…Momma will get her groove back.

          And vegas…ahhhh vegas!

          • ContactRida 11:47 am on April 6, 2014 Permalink | Reply

            several thoughts: as your girl is wiser than her years, are we born who we will become? nature vs nurture. the more i live, the more i lean towards nature. what if monsters and angels are born, not shaped? what if…

            mojo: being that i need time to absorb your work, i haven’t noticed any change in your writing, but i haven’t been reading your work in the past week or two. no slight on you, i’ve just got time to Like pics and limericks:) maybe you are looking too hard at your work. maybe you are too close. maybe you are wrong…

            womb: there is something about my cervix that everyone wants to put a baby in it. i expect it from family (they have me down as a closet lesbian since all menstruating women in our clan start breeding at 16 and don’t stop until they have great grand kids). but strangers, co-workers, friends, they all want a baby in me. WHAT? it’s hard to envision loving a man so much that i would stop thinking of ‘me’ and start thinking of ‘us’. i am quite selfish and have grown quite fond of the shadow it casts (i’m in a poetic mood:)

            vegas: just say the words Momma!

    • http://theenglishprofessoratlarge.com 10:49 am on April 2, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      I applaud your marrying yourself. I made that same decision years after my divorce when I realized that I didn’t want to re-marry, that I was perfectly content with myself. Don’t stress about the class. If other areas in your life are troublesome, you can always lose yourself for a couple of hours in studying. Think of it as a small vacation from everything else. Take care.

      • ContactRida 3:19 pm on April 2, 2014 Permalink | Reply

        thank you. that’s a new way to look at studying:) it just may work…

    • sinnerz13 10:47 am on April 2, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Deary me! A train crash of thoughts!

  • ContactRida 11:36 am on February 22, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: double shift, ,   

    apologies, road kill ahead 

    monday 17th – on campus class, exam
    tuesday 18th – building fire
    wednesday 19th- work double (20 hours total, 4 hrs off clock), get to bed at 3pm
    thursday 20th – wake up at midnight, fix dinner, do homework which takes 5 hours, go to sleep at 7am
    friday 21st – work another double (18 hours total, all on clock)
    saturday 22nd – grocery shopping, trying to get to bed by noon
    saturday 22nd – work overnight, hope to leave work by 9am, then go to mother’s to walk the dog who has a cold
    sunday 23rd – try to wake by 9pm to study for another exam i haven’t prepared for, and post more homework
    monday 24th – try not to fail exam

    fatigue

     
  • ContactRida 4:59 am on February 14, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: George Clooney, Matt Damon, phallic, snow man, The Monuments Men, , Valentine's Day   

    uncut monuments ‘snow’men 

    2014-02-14 03.21.40 2014-02-14 03.22.08 2014-02-14 03.26.05 2014-02-14 03.26.102014-02-14 03.21.40 2014-02-14 03.22.18

    This is what happens when one mixes sangria with meds. If anyone has George Clooney’s number, please send it my way. And remember, a vagina is a terrible thing to waste…  Happy Valentine’s Day playah!

     

     
    • Ye Pirate 10:01 am on February 26, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      I don’t even know what made me think ‘fetish’ was a good thing to click on! Now I’m even less sure!

    • ContactRida 5:53 am on February 15, 2014 Permalink | Reply

    • T. Dawn 12:55 pm on February 14, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      That’s just not right. So damn funny though!!

      • ContactRida 5:50 am on February 15, 2014 Permalink | Reply

        so yes. it is possible to drunk post:) i guess people don’t like huge white balls in their face. i was expecting more Likes, LOL!

        i thought of you today. a girl (30s) at work is leaving, again. she decided after returning from maternity leave, that being at work full-time while daycare raised her baby was not for her. her eyes were like saucers when she described watching her baby grow up. she never lit up when she talked about work. i never saw her smile at work except for today, her last day, and on valentine’s day:) and she was so super nice to me, which she never was before, and we had a real conversation that didn’t involve her correcting yet another newbie mistake of mine:) so more power to the SAHMs!!! so it is true! when Momma’s happy, everybody’s happy:)

        • T. Dawn 7:30 am on February 15, 2014 Permalink | Reply

          Yes ma’am! It’s very strange how that happens. I never saw it coming. Thanks for sharing that with me 🙂

          And I’m shocked people didn’t find he balls as funny as I did. It hard for me not to laugh when I see balls…especially big ones. Attach them to a snow penis and I am on the floor laughing!

  • ContactRida 11:57 pm on January 20, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: bile, muscle memory, , , sympathy vomit   

    sympathy vomit 

    The patient begins with heaving, his shoulders reaching for his ears, his body doubling over. His eyes become glassy, his skin pale and then the horrid retching. Not projectile but jerky and percolating through the large gaps in his teeth. I try to keep calm and place towels under his chin but i could not sync my movements with his retches and end up with his warm stomach contents all over my ungloved hands. And that’s when it began. My brain told my stomach it was being effected too. Excessive saliva quickly filled my mouth and I was helpless to my evolution. I could only hold up one finger to the patient to signal I would be right back. The second I turned my back to the patient, it happened. I threw up in my mouth. I had no choice. I had to swallow. I don’t know what was worse: having my own unnecessary vomit in my mouth or swallowing my own sympathy vomit? All of this happened within one minute. One minute! Patient was safe and aspiration free, but I was psychologically traumatized by my own body. I have created muscle memory for vomit. I now work in fear of the next puking patient.

    movie10

     
  • ContactRida 3:17 am on January 15, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , cheeky, , matthew bennett,   

    The matthewalanbennett.com “No More Awards” award. 

    1996547-134383-3d-illustration-of-golden-ribbon-award-isolated-over-white-background

    1.

    12.
    13.
    14.
    15.
    16.
    17.
    2. I nominate no one.

    3. http://matthewalanbennett.com/2014/01/14/the-newest-wordpress-award/

     
    • Matthew A Bennett 3:21 am on January 15, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Hah! you did it anyway! you rock! hope the repercussions are bearable 🙂 Thanks for the share!

      • ContactRida 3:31 am on January 15, 2014 Permalink | Reply

        yeah. thank you. i’ve never been much of a people pleaser, so whatever;)

  • ContactRida 11:56 pm on January 11, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: college, DiCaprio, , financial aid, , Inception, parasite, school, university   

    the most resilient parasite 

    I called the financial aid office on friday before work. School starts monday and I didn’t receive any official letter of aid… well I didn’t open any mail, official or otherwise, for the past 5 weeks. I’m funny like that. So I was bumped around from office to office since departments don’t like to share information. After 10 minutes, I finally got to my aid guy. He said this is the last semester I can receive financial aid. I am totally maxed out. These 6 credits are paid for but nothing else. He said I could only qualify for aid if I went to medical school or pharmacy school; a Doctorate in Nursing would not be financed.

    So that was the idea (the most resilient parasite) that was planted in my head on friday and that idea has not left since. If I need financial aid, it is there for me if I want to become a doctor. A doctor. A work in progress indeed…. Dr. Rida, has a nice ring to it.

    But wait, there’s more. Financial aid guy said there was a two dollar balance left on my account. I won’t be able to attend class on monday if it was not paid. Nice.

    I tried to find quality INCEPTION clips that explained how powerful an idea can be. I really love this movie and have seen it easily 20xs. But I found so much more. The last 2 vids are parodies. The 1st one had me in tears:)

    happyNOWthankyoumoreplease!

     
  • ContactRida 12:05 pm on January 4, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: alarm clock, morning routine, rush hour, TGIF, work week   

    The 20 Minute Morning Routine Guaranteed to Phuck up Your Day! Excellent. 

    A. Wake up twenty minutes before you have to leave house.

    Woman-Waking-Late-1312061

    B. Discover you won’t have hot water available until noon.

    cold-shower-woman-23303833

    C. Finally get on road only to be greeted by bumper to bumper traffic.

    e2b737abdbb74aeb27a3aa785c0e43ce

    D. Arrive at work late and find out it’s performance review day.

    job-loss-6983608

    E.  Realize that at least it’s Friday!!!

    HappyFriday

     

     
  • ContactRida 8:30 am on January 3, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Alphas, Chicago, college boys, firemen, , , slag, slut, Threesome   

    are you a slut if you can’t remember all of your 3-somes? 

    freedatingsites

    i was listening to an awesome Chicago song, If you leave me now:

    why this song would remind me of threesomes, is beyond me. but that i had to try to recall how many there were, was the odd part. there was the fireman and his buddy. that was too awesome. then the sicilian and his italian friend. whoa mamma. then the two college guys at the bar, a little creepy since i dommed them both. then i think there was another two guys in there somewhere. no. i’ve never been in a 3some with another woman. call me crazy. i like dick and i’m selfish.

    anyhoo, back to Chicago. not that the 3somes were great love affairs, but it was when sex was fun and carefree and it was the biggest part of me. i don’t have that now, so this song makes me sad. i hope if there is a cock goddess out there in the heavens, she would bless me with another 3some before i die. please goddess… please…

    Please show your support and give to the Save Rida’s Vagina fund.

     
    • Ye Pirate 10:06 am on February 26, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Well well….this is exactly what my lady wants, and I am not one to get in the way…sounds exciting for her…and I know her tastes..she’will agree with you when she comments here…!

  • ContactRida 6:52 am on December 26, 2013 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , Christmas and holiday season, holiday, New Year, , reflection   

    the day after… 

    Charlie-Brown-Christmas

    T – time to exhale
    H – home returns to normal, somewhat
    E – enjoy the gifts

    D – do the dishes
    A – accept you spent too much
    Y – yell at the kids

    A – aching back returns
    F – finish off the last bottle of wine
    T – treat self to long, hot bath
    E – entertain the idea of partying for new year’s eve
    R – recognize christmas was enough excitement for the year

     
  • ContactRida 3:49 am on December 25, 2013 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , hoidays, , stress relief   

    #1 way to beat holiday stress 

    $T2eC16F,!ykE9s7tw!lgBQz39VhqHw~~60_35

    …see you on the 26th:)

     
    • tdawneightyone 10:29 am on December 25, 2013 Permalink | Reply

      I used to have this hanging in my office.

      • ContactRida 4:12 am on December 26, 2013 Permalink | Reply

        yeah it’s funny. speaking of banging head, i will probably go back to my old theme since this one is causing way too many problems. doesnt it always figure… hope you had a great holiday and had some peaceful time at home.

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