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  • ContactRida 11:57 pm on January 26, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: awareness, child, , fact, fiction, , Mother,   

    "You don’t know because you don’t have kids." 

    “Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral, which always is as it is. There is the situation or the face, and here are my thoughts about it. Instead of making up stories, stay with the facts. For example, “I am ruined” is a story. It limits you and prevents you from taking effective action. “I have fifty cents left in my bank account” is a fact. Facing facts is always empowering. Be aware that what you think, to a large extent, creates the emotions you feel. See the link between your thinking and your emotions. Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them.” – Eckhart Tolle

    Borrowed from: http://whatsimica.wordpress.com/2014/01/24/quote-of-the-da/

    It has been brought to my attention that I don’t know what it is to be a mother because I don’t have any children. This is not the first time I’ve heard this but many. I had to wait several days to respond to this because I wanted to be sure where my words were coming from. And like clockwork, the answers were laid before me in such divine fashion.

    I saw the above quote on another blog and it resonated. I do not have children. That is a fact. That I would not know what it is like to be a mother: now that is a story. You don’t know what I know because you are not me. You do not know the capacity or depth of my mind, my heart or my soul. Only I and my creator know those things.

    I have vivid memories of my childhood. I remember watching from my grandma’s window, a random plane take off. Hot tears streamed down my face because my mother left me. She went on a vacation. I did not understand what a vacation was. I just wanted her to come back. When I was young, I loved her so much. I remember coming to her bed when I had a bad dream. She asked me what I wanted. I said I was scared and I wanted to sleep with her. She told me to go back to sleep in my own bed and close my door. I cried myself to sleep, alone.

    I loved my mother so much as a child. I wanted her to love me back but she never did. She couldn’t. She wouldn’t. She didn’t know how to. In spite of herself, she taught me how to be self-sufficient. She taught me how to be an island. Good or bad, she taught me so many things that make me what I am today.

    So it hurts deeply when I hear those sharp, biting, cruel words, “You don’t know because you don’t have kids.” I know what it is to have a mother. I know what a mother should not be and what she should be. I lived it. I still live it. You have no idea how deeply afraid and terrified I am of having a child. I know what type of mother I would be. I would want to completely absorb my child. I would breathe in the air she would breathe out. She would be my heart, my soul, my love, my life, my salvation.

    And this is why I do not have children. I can’t love someone that much and not have the love returned to me how I need it returned. The very thought that I could say or do something hateful or hurtful to my child that she would forever remember, cuts through me. I know where I come from and what I am capable of. I have my demons. Even if there is a 1% chance I would damage my child, that is a risk I am not willing to take.

    Perhaps I take parenting too seriously. Perhaps too many don’t take it seriously enough. There are too many variables in the world to be conclusive. But I do know what being a mother is without having children. What I don’t know is the reasoning or thought behind saying, “You don’t know because you don’t have kids.” Why use such divisive words? Why minimalize another’s life experience?

    I don’t know what the universe has planned for me. Perhaps there is a purpose for me being without child. Perhaps there is a purpose for me being strong, self-sufficient and nomadic. That is the story that has yet to be told. But the only fact you know about me is that I do not have a child. Anything else is presumption, based on your own experiences, thoughts and emotions. Be aware of where your words come from. Be aware.

    • relationspdbeverly 8:15 pm on January 27, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      I hate that comment: You don’t have kids. Look at those women that attempted to perform exorcisms on their kids last week. Not every parent should be one.

      But that’s not to say that you won’t be a great mother.

  • ContactRida 2:26 am on December 12, 2013 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , mommy, mommy dearest, Mother, , ties that bind   

    how a gas range says “MOM” 

    Rida, if Lowes calls you for a survey, give the delivery/installation people a 5 or whatever the top rating is.  The gas line still needs to have a shut-off in the kitchen next to the wall.  I asked them to install the stove where its at.  The stove is about a foot from the wall, it can stay there until I get the kitchen finished.

    Thanks again,


    my mother sent me this email today. she always signs ‘Mom”. i have not called her mom or mommy since i was age 11 or 12. she stopped being a mom to me. i would always communicate with her by standing in front of, or beside her to get her attention. i still do. i know it hurts her to not hear me call her mom, but she forfeited all of her mommy privileges when she wished me dead, and all of the other numerous physical and psychological torture techniques she  used against me (well, in spite of herself, she made me very strong and resilient, and i know i could easily kill a person who was trying to kill me and sleep very well the same night, probably get the best sleep ever, but i digress:) yes i do envy the relationship she has with her non-rape baby, my sister (half-sister). this is just one of those things, that you just learn to live with.  so, i buy her a gas range. that is my way of saying ‘mom’.

  • ContactRida 11:59 pm on November 30, 2013 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Adoption, , Mother   

    beneath the mask 

    did you even bother to read my haiku on adoption? do you even read my posts? here. read this post of mine: http://contactrida.com/2013/11/16/mamas-broken-heart-extreme-ways/

    then we can compare who has had the more fucked up life.

    and for the record, OM, i have been rejected by my birth mother, my bloodline and my race.  so i plenty fucking understand.  only difference is, i don’t waste my time arguing, i go out and make the world change, bend its will to my own.

    being told by my own mother that she wished i was dead, made me a fighter. so the fighter in me tells you to go fuck yourself.

    go fuck yourself because you are too blinded by your personal rage to see that my haiku was an homage to adoption. go fuck yourself because you are too self-consumed to see that your passion for adoption moved me so much that i quit writing about myself and wrote about how treasured adoption is.

    stop fucking skimming shit and read shit all the way through. that’s the blessing of having a tiny number of Followers, i get to experience their life through their eyes and actually give a damn about it without passing judgment.

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